my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
