Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
