I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
