Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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