They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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