Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
soo... how was my night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
