omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
