I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
