hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
