Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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