seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
