Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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