you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You ruined the universe
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
