Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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