Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize