there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
