I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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