You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
