So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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