Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hippo gnu deer
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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