when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
