Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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