Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
