Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize