he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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