Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
