my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize