I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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