Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
