I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
