yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
