If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize