Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
