Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
