You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
