Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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