Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
