I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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