Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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