no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize