I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
