after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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