Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
