i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
