There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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