Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
