Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
