I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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