4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
