if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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