I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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