I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
