Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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