Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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