Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize