I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
