I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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