??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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