I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
