i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
