When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think I sprained my soul last night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize