She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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