Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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