fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
In America we eat man semen.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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