That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she woke up with a sticky ear
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
