it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
