It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize