go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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