Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
