put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
