i barfeds in our rink
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
